We were on a riverboat tour looking at mansions. Most of them were empty since quite a few of them were purchased for the dock slip. I wondered out loud if I would ever want to live in such a big house and immediately thought about the practicalities of keeping it clean and the yard maintained. The theory is that if you could afford the house, you could afford the maintenance. Does a dream need to be big and bold? Can I dream small and spectacular? Pippin sang about finding a corner of the sky. Sometimes the sky seems so vast. I do only want a corner. Am I settling? Holding myself back because I can’t imagine managing something so great?
I take everything seriously except the really big things like death. I let so many little things weigh me down that instead of climbing, I rationalize that I like the base. I have my comfy little cushion and am content to be where I am. Right? Yet I look up at the staircase of experience and wonder what is my next step. When you climb, the weight of gravity impacts every square inch of your body. There is no escalator for making true progress. It seems exhausting to make the climb. Yet you can rest on the stairs. They often have landings. I should laugh at myself and allow myself to float away like a Mary Poppin’s scene. There is so much to explore and instead of allowing myself the gift of space, I am already filling it up with responsibility that may not even be mine.
I don’t want to think about it has been an ongoing refrain. There is nothing to see ducking my head in the sand. There is a literal hurricane on the way that I don’t want to think about. Do you think the storm cares? One way or another it will come and I can be prepared or deal with the consequences. Some things you have to think about. How much energy do I waste not thinking about things and thinking about other things to not think about the things I need to think about?
I keep trying to go it alone. Why am I unwilling to accept help? I have been out of pocket for most of this weekend. I’ve avoided social media and am not fully present in real life. Today I admitted to myself that I have to think about it. I have to sit in discomfort and start to make decisions. Even running a marathon begins with taking that first step. I have not been faithful in the little things. As James Clear said, “you do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.” It does not matter if I dream of a mansion or a molehill. I need to build the foundation for a solid dream. I am not going to do this alone. Namaste
