Some days I feel like a monster. I try so hard to be thoughtful, patient, empathetic and understanding. I often get it wrong with my closest loved ones. Confidence can be a two-edged sword and I have to consider that perhaps, I didn't understand. I make assumptions and act as if they are true because I am the authority figure in their life. I often question why it is so easy to be patient with people not in my inner circle. Unversations as I call them usually result in much misunderstanding. I need to learn how to read my own room. I can be possessive with my friends and family; especially my kids. I am learning new dynamics as they are becoming adults. I am so busy doing that I forget to be and to let people be. Perhaps if I were more present, we could come to a better understanding. Ironically, it is me trying to helpful that I do the most harm because I stop seeing them as a person and more as a puzzle to be solved.
I have a lot of unlearning to do. I have many expectations for myself and I think this carries over into other relationships. Emotional baggage is heavy and it is not fear to expect others to carry the load. How do I get a blank state and not make assumptions? When I remember, I often share what I observe and ask for feedback. It gets worse when I am in "go go go" mode. It is important to stop and check in. A good leader is sensitive to the needs of their people. People make things happen and for it to go smoothly, communication must be clear and consistent. I had an epiphany the other day and it made me a little uncomfortable. In my quest to have deeper relationships, I unknowingly decide to become like a protector? I try to shield them or assume I have their best interests at heart. How arrogant of me. I feel like royalty but am really acting the fool.
I am a giver. I hate to receive. It makes me feel indebted and I do not like it one little bit. However, is that true? Or am I creating transactions instead of interactions? I always say trust the process and that includes trusting other people. If I came doing the same thing, nothing will change. Today, I accepted help. I did not rationalize, or get defensive. Their feedback was insightful, helpful, and honest. I am becoming more open to feedback and more comfortable with uncomfortable conversations. I also need to give myself time and space to become more responsive versus reactive. Being open and receptive to what other people are trying to share enables true collaboration and what can be co-created is powerful and transformative.
Even now, I am talking a good talk. Sounds shiny and kumbayaish. Reality? I am going to make mistakes if I keep rushing. I need to interrogate my reactions before responding. Perhaps ask more questions and spend more time on meditating and understanding my pre-conceived notions. We think we have free will and make active decisions. According to Dan Ariely, how we are presented information plays into some of our defaults and we can easily be manipulated. I can keep fooling myself and stick with the surface level. However, if I want to connect with my loved ones on a deeper level, I need to get to work. Ready to join me? Namaste
