Sometimes you have to call a spade a spade. I do not know what to call myself because I am pushing myself past the point of absurdity. I have been tired since I woke up and done everything in my power to avoid a nap. The random thoughts that are popping inside my head is that I am punishing myself. I have spoken my truth this week and it is a harsh truth. It seems harsh to me yet it is true that I do not owe anyone my time, my friendship, or my energy except my youngest child because they did not ask to be born and I am responsible for their well being. There will probably be more honesty and I will hate every minute of it because I hate disappointing people. The question I need to answer is why is it okay to disappoint myself?
It is much easier to be objective with others than with yourself. I have known for a long time that conversation goes not happen in a vacuum. The words you speak to others are also the words you speak to yourself. If I lift others up, I lift up myself and vice versa. Luke 4:23 states "physician, heal thyself." My doctor prescribed the same things I tell others to do that I am too chicken to do myself. When I was driving to an event today, I was scared that I had bitten off more than I could chew. Even now it feels like an invisible hand is squeezing my heart. I am so tired that I would not be surprised that this is all a dream. I should have crawled into bed an hour ago. I began the week grateful for a headache because it was good that my body could communicate. Soon it will give me the silent treatment because I am not listening.
I know the diagnosis; too much doing and not enough being. Dear reader, even with this understanding, I am not going to change tomorrow. As you read this, I am probably folding in cherries and baking up a storm. I am not fooling anyone, least of all myself. I think it has reached a point though that I seriously need to change or die. I am not being melodramatic. If you ignore your wellbeing, your body will force you to rest. Every day I roll the dice and hope I do not roll craps. That is the seduction of hopium. My experiment has been fits and starts and I know what I need to do, but truthfully, it's not happening. I can't generate activation energy on fumes.
I can't quit being an overachiever cold turkey. Just let me finish this ...fill in the blank here. I think was August 20th a few years ago when I allegedly hit rock bottom as a workaholic. Yet here I am again. I took my kids to see Hamilton and I really resonate with running out of time. Burr sings, "why do you write like you're running out of time?" I've told you all that my mantra is that "I have all the time in the world to accomplish everything that's important to me." Everyday I lie because that mantra is hopium and will continue to be a deception until I put in the work to correctly set up the systems that will help me succeed. I do not have to become a different person. I need to be myself, and people may not like her. She's running out of time to tell her story. Namaste.
